I feel this dreaded sick feeling inside. It is almost like deja vu kind of thing. Here I sit, many of us actually, waiting and waiting for news that we have no idea when it may come. It is almost like being terminally pregnant.....when will it happen, will it ever happen?
First of all, I am in no way judging someone and their feelings about this long wait. In comparison, I haven't been waiting long. I am not really complaining (I know believe it or not) about the wait, but moreso just the lack of information. Fear comes from the unknown and right now referrals are unknown. We shouldn't fear this, I shouldn't fear this. I should believe that eventually it will be my turn as it will be yours and hers and his. I know my wait this time around has been different because I do have my sons that keep me busy. Of course that doesn't mean I don't want my daughter home and also there is a different element concerned when other children are involved. My sons have been waiting for their sister for over a year now. They have lost hope and at times seem to be angry at me for not doing more to bring her home. How do I explain it to them when I don't even understand the delay myself? As 5 year olds they look up to their parents to be able to fix anything and they don't understand why we can't just go pick their sister up, either do I.
On the other hand, I know what years and years of infertility and loss is like and then being so naive into believing that adoption would be a lot smoother as far as following a line to having a family. I was wrong, so wrong! Adoption seems to be just another roller coaster ride. I am not saying I expected adoption to be this easy wait and then on such and such day this child would be in my arms. I never expected that at all. The thing I did expect the first time around was some sort of time frame to having a family. With infertility it was a gamble, you roll the dice and took a shot (well more than just one shot) and you hoped that your lucky number would turn up. With adoption it seemed to be less uncertain aspects and eventually you would have a child to call your own....wow, was I naive!
I was all set on my first adoption plan, had my dossiers sitting all pretty in Romania one month away from referral and the country shut down. It didn't just happen overnight, it sort of happened like China is doing now. Fewer children being adopted, more families with dossiers and then of course the bad press and the embarassment of some of the media reports along with them trying to get into the European Union. Our agency kept saying wait and see, it would all blow over and things would be fine. We knew we were in trouble when the presidential election in Romania was going on. There was controversary, there was mudslinging and of course outside forces working on the negative impact of these orphanages. I won't even go into the big campaign to beg 20/20 and Barbara Walters not to do a report so close to a presidential election that would ultimately hurt the orphans. After this report came out, Romania shut down adoption immediately. We were next up for our referral. I don't blame anything or anyone, but wow, there was so much working against us at that point in time. We listened to our agency that assured us they would open up again. We waited because we felt our child was there. We waited months, nine to be exact, for Romania to open the doors to adoption again, but even now, they remain closed. Sure there is some foster care for these orphans and certainly they shut down some orphanages, but in order to shut down orphanages they had to send the children some place else. Where? Of course some went to foster care but many were just sent to orphanages that stayed open, which meant fewer orphanages but more children in the orphanages. Where is the press and media now? Does anyone care about these children now that the election is overwith and any rumors of adoptive parents abusing adopted children are gone? Are the children still sitting there waiting for parents that will never come? If I have one wish, I hope years from now 20/20 and Barbara Walters go into one of these orphanages and just see how things worked out. I know, I know, I sound bitter and well, I am. I am not on a selfish level here, but moreso because I know these children have been forgotten by so many but yet this mother's heart will always grieve for that Romanian child that I loved and still love all these years later.
The big thing now is people switching countries, going to SN waiting children, etc. I think that is a very individual decision and I applaud anyone that take action to have their family. Life is just too short to wait on red tape and politics. I am happy for all that make these leaps of faith. With Romania, I had no choice but to switch or I would still be waiting for my child to come home right now.
To the current situation, do I jump ship and move forward? Do I hang on and hope things get better? I just don't know. With the latest rumors, I am not sure what I think about everything. I could handle the year mark, I wouldn't like it but I have gradually accepted that and looked ahead. Now please don't tell me to wait and know the wait will be so worth it. I have no doubt that any child is worth every tear, all the frustration and the long wait. I see that in my sons' eyes every single day. I guess right now I am feeling a bit defeated. I am no spring chicken and I am feeling older every minute. The longer the wait goes the more time I have to digest thoughts, which is not always a good thing.
So for today, I am hanging on. I don't want to lose hope, but yet the light at the tunnel seems to be moving further away by the second no matter how fast I keep running.
I know I have said this before, GULP, but maybe things will change this month. Okay, I thought we all needed a big chuckle there to lighten the mood.
