An old post......one of those ones that you are not sure you want out there
I am fairly certain I will get some nasty emails concerning this post. I have in the past, so I am sure there will be someone that I offend or upset with this particular topic. This is really not a debate, well, you could debate this but what would be the point? I am not trying to change anyone else's views just merely stating my own here.
Good grief I am rambling and I totally don't get why I feel the need to put some disclaimer on posts like this, but in some odd way, I guess I am a peace keeper in some regards. I don't like to rock the boat about little things. But when it is something close to my heart, well that boat is going to be a rocking. Wow, isn't it strange how a phrase will immediately put a stupid song in your head and you just can't get the tune out of your mind. It is after midnight and I am going to torture myself with Rock the boat, don't rock the boat baby. Uggh! Oppps, definitely showing my age on that song but hey I was a baby during the disco years, okay, maybe not quite a baby but definitely a babe in the woods.
On to my original train of thought,I got a little derailed but here we go. (no pun intended)
There is a certain celebrity, well older less famous celebrity that is an adoptive parent. This person truly irritates me to no end. The comments this individual makes truly makes me cringed. I guess I take those comments and think about what this individual's child must feel about being adopted. The person constantly will make references that if their adoptive child ever had the desire to search for their birth family that this person would take it in a negative way towards their parenting and not being good enough for their child. Wow, what a huge guilt trip that is for an adoptive child to have. No wonder so many adoptees do not search until they are much older in life. I completely understand the fear factor involved with adoptive parents, I have that at times. My mom definitely had that many times, but she never tried to keep things from me or make me feel guilty for wanting to know things most people take for granted.
I for one could not do an open adoption, nor do I wish I had been adopted when there was such a thing. I personally could see problems from that, not for every single case, but certainly a few. I have a dear friend that had a semi-open adoption and let's just say it was less than positive. I learned a great deal through witnessing that situation, and no, I am not saying I believe all cases are like that. For myself, personally, I would have felt torn in half if I had known my birth family at a young age. I have stated this before and I don't mean to repeat myself or to hurt anyone's feelings, but my birth family could never replace my parents. They never tried to do that, but it might have been different if I had known them at a very early age. I am not saying they could ever replace my parents, but with the normal teenage rebellion stuff, I can see two sets of parents becoming a problem and a child maybe playing one set against another much like kids do with two parents.
To me, it just is not so cut and dry. I see good in having the answers. I see good coming from knowing that part of your past, no matter how small it might be. The unknown is scary but it also has some mystery to it. Reality of a birth family and knowledge of that part of a person's history is not a personal threat to any adoptive parent. Sometimes the "fantasy" birth family seems so much better than the true reality of the people they actually may be.We adopt these wonderful children, gain their trust and confidence, we love them and guide them and somehow we feel when the time comes they are going to just bolt out the door to another set of parents that are perfect strangers to them? I would bet the stats on that happening would be very low. There is a period after an adoptee finds their birth family called the "honeymoon" period. I can tell you I have seen it happen time and time again when the adoptee is excited and thrilled to find out this history about themselves, to actually see a face that may resemble theirs, to know medical history, to know they have many likes and dislikes in common with someone.....but after the excitement dies down....what is there? Certainly there are a few adoptees that bond right away with their birth families. They feel like they were long lost children that had finally found their way back home and reconnected with their family ties. I can tell you from the ones that I have seen that take on this role, most of them had some sort of void within them. Could it have been simply because they were adopted? I have a friend that is now living with her birthmother and they are extremely close. They get along wonderfully, but her relationship with her adoptive mother has always been strained and tense. I just think she didn't have a good relationship with her adoptive mother because perhaps more to do with her personality than the actual relationship. I think this would have occurred even if she had been raised by her birth mother, again, I just think it is part of her personality. I know plenty of biological children that have a hard time getting along with their parents, why should it be any different with an adopted child? After all.....we are just children and come with the same issues and problems that other children grow up dealing with.
Back to the main focus of this post, why does this one semi-famous celebrity always play the adoption card? This individual never seems to mention his biological children but constantly will refer to the adopted child. I just don't get how this person can put this guilt on a child and state that this child is theirs like their bio children, but yet still keep referring to this child as an adopted child. Sure, this celebrity seems thrilled with this adopted child and very proud of the adoption, but doesn't there come a time in your life where the adoption is not the main focus and it is more about parenting and building that loving relationship with the child?
In my eyes, the word "adopted" is an adjective. If you do not refer to your biological child as my conceived child, why would you always have to say my adopted child? I totally get stating an adopted child if you know someone that perhaps is researching adoption, but to announce it to total strangers seems a bit attention seeking at times. I had one friend that any time someone would comment on her daughter being pretty, she would first remark that she was adopted. Now I am not sure if she just wanted to explain the child's different looks, but it always bothered me that her first reaction was to state that. Also people would immediately respond what a great person she was to adopt a child like that and her remark would be thank you. Uggh, I wanted to hurl! Certainly it takes special people to adopt, but by far, I think as an adoptive parent we get the better end of the deal and it is nothing to feel like we are doing something special concerning receiving the most wonderful blessing in our lives.
Clearly I have issues with this topic, I still remember the impact that the late George Burns' death had on me. Not so much his death, but just how the media handled his passing and how his son must have felt. After 70 some years of being George's son, he was still referred to as the adoptive son of George Burns. Okay after 70 years, could the man just be his son? Does the adjective have to be a part of it? I realize people are proud of adoption, rightfully so, but as an adopted child myself....when my mother died, I wanted to just be her daughter as I was all my life. Adopted is an adjective, not a dirty word, but it has little to do with the bond I had with my mother and had little to do with my life. Adoption described my journey to my family, not the final destination.
I truly hope this celebrity gets a clue and realizes that perhaps their son wants to be just known as their son instead of always be referred to as the adoption son.
Signed,
Mae's daughter, not adopted daughter, just her daughter
Who is now climbing down off her soap box to brace for the flames ahead. :-)
Good grief I am rambling and I totally don't get why I feel the need to put some disclaimer on posts like this, but in some odd way, I guess I am a peace keeper in some regards. I don't like to rock the boat about little things. But when it is something close to my heart, well that boat is going to be a rocking. Wow, isn't it strange how a phrase will immediately put a stupid song in your head and you just can't get the tune out of your mind. It is after midnight and I am going to torture myself with Rock the boat, don't rock the boat baby. Uggh! Oppps, definitely showing my age on that song but hey I was a baby during the disco years, okay, maybe not quite a baby but definitely a babe in the woods.
On to my original train of thought,I got a little derailed but here we go. (no pun intended)
There is a certain celebrity, well older less famous celebrity that is an adoptive parent. This person truly irritates me to no end. The comments this individual makes truly makes me cringed. I guess I take those comments and think about what this individual's child must feel about being adopted. The person constantly will make references that if their adoptive child ever had the desire to search for their birth family that this person would take it in a negative way towards their parenting and not being good enough for their child. Wow, what a huge guilt trip that is for an adoptive child to have. No wonder so many adoptees do not search until they are much older in life. I completely understand the fear factor involved with adoptive parents, I have that at times. My mom definitely had that many times, but she never tried to keep things from me or make me feel guilty for wanting to know things most people take for granted.
I for one could not do an open adoption, nor do I wish I had been adopted when there was such a thing. I personally could see problems from that, not for every single case, but certainly a few. I have a dear friend that had a semi-open adoption and let's just say it was less than positive. I learned a great deal through witnessing that situation, and no, I am not saying I believe all cases are like that. For myself, personally, I would have felt torn in half if I had known my birth family at a young age. I have stated this before and I don't mean to repeat myself or to hurt anyone's feelings, but my birth family could never replace my parents. They never tried to do that, but it might have been different if I had known them at a very early age. I am not saying they could ever replace my parents, but with the normal teenage rebellion stuff, I can see two sets of parents becoming a problem and a child maybe playing one set against another much like kids do with two parents.
To me, it just is not so cut and dry. I see good in having the answers. I see good coming from knowing that part of your past, no matter how small it might be. The unknown is scary but it also has some mystery to it. Reality of a birth family and knowledge of that part of a person's history is not a personal threat to any adoptive parent. Sometimes the "fantasy" birth family seems so much better than the true reality of the people they actually may be.We adopt these wonderful children, gain their trust and confidence, we love them and guide them and somehow we feel when the time comes they are going to just bolt out the door to another set of parents that are perfect strangers to them? I would bet the stats on that happening would be very low. There is a period after an adoptee finds their birth family called the "honeymoon" period. I can tell you I have seen it happen time and time again when the adoptee is excited and thrilled to find out this history about themselves, to actually see a face that may resemble theirs, to know medical history, to know they have many likes and dislikes in common with someone.....but after the excitement dies down....what is there? Certainly there are a few adoptees that bond right away with their birth families. They feel like they were long lost children that had finally found their way back home and reconnected with their family ties. I can tell you from the ones that I have seen that take on this role, most of them had some sort of void within them. Could it have been simply because they were adopted? I have a friend that is now living with her birthmother and they are extremely close. They get along wonderfully, but her relationship with her adoptive mother has always been strained and tense. I just think she didn't have a good relationship with her adoptive mother because perhaps more to do with her personality than the actual relationship. I think this would have occurred even if she had been raised by her birth mother, again, I just think it is part of her personality. I know plenty of biological children that have a hard time getting along with their parents, why should it be any different with an adopted child? After all.....we are just children and come with the same issues and problems that other children grow up dealing with.
Back to the main focus of this post, why does this one semi-famous celebrity always play the adoption card? This individual never seems to mention his biological children but constantly will refer to the adopted child. I just don't get how this person can put this guilt on a child and state that this child is theirs like their bio children, but yet still keep referring to this child as an adopted child. Sure, this celebrity seems thrilled with this adopted child and very proud of the adoption, but doesn't there come a time in your life where the adoption is not the main focus and it is more about parenting and building that loving relationship with the child?
In my eyes, the word "adopted" is an adjective. If you do not refer to your biological child as my conceived child, why would you always have to say my adopted child? I totally get stating an adopted child if you know someone that perhaps is researching adoption, but to announce it to total strangers seems a bit attention seeking at times. I had one friend that any time someone would comment on her daughter being pretty, she would first remark that she was adopted. Now I am not sure if she just wanted to explain the child's different looks, but it always bothered me that her first reaction was to state that. Also people would immediately respond what a great person she was to adopt a child like that and her remark would be thank you. Uggh, I wanted to hurl! Certainly it takes special people to adopt, but by far, I think as an adoptive parent we get the better end of the deal and it is nothing to feel like we are doing something special concerning receiving the most wonderful blessing in our lives.
Clearly I have issues with this topic, I still remember the impact that the late George Burns' death had on me. Not so much his death, but just how the media handled his passing and how his son must have felt. After 70 some years of being George's son, he was still referred to as the adoptive son of George Burns. Okay after 70 years, could the man just be his son? Does the adjective have to be a part of it? I realize people are proud of adoption, rightfully so, but as an adopted child myself....when my mother died, I wanted to just be her daughter as I was all my life. Adopted is an adjective, not a dirty word, but it has little to do with the bond I had with my mother and had little to do with my life. Adoption described my journey to my family, not the final destination.
I truly hope this celebrity gets a clue and realizes that perhaps their son wants to be just known as their son instead of always be referred to as the adoption son.
Signed,
Mae's daughter, not adopted daughter, just her daughter
Who is now climbing down off her soap box to brace for the flames ahead. :-)
posted by Hopeful Mommy @ 12:36 AM
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