Trials of an adoptive parent and the kids we love

I have given some deep thought to posting this or not, mainly because I am still not totally comfortable with some of the emails I have been getting from someone locally. I know being in blogville gives the individual freedom to randomly select what he or she types or doesn't type. By nature I am not one that plays my cards close to the chest, so to speak. I tend to be fairly open and honest, although I don't just spill my guts out to everyone. I am more a middle of the road type of gal.

So my hesitation to post this is more in reflection of the individual that wishes to sit back and analyze my life, but yet has made no effort to expose themselves to me as a parent or a total fruit loop. I can deal with a curious person, I can deal with another parent, and well....I can even deal with a fruit loop at times, but please pick a side or a position.

Anywho, I wanted to do this post because it is a topic that has been coming up a lot recently between myself and another adoptive parent. It deals with how you can have two children basically raised to a certain age in an orphanage and how one child seems to struggle with issues surrounding those circumstances and how some children seem to walk away and appear to have little to no issues.

My friend has three adopted children. The two older ones were adopted together from the same orphanage and basically were the same age. The younger one seems to have many more problems and issues than her older sibling with the past and her environment.

My youngest son appears to have no memories of his homeland. He doesn't react to old photos, he doesn't seem to have any feelings about it one way or another. He was one of the orphanage favorites and in the bigger picture, he was treated a lot kinder than many of the rest of the children. The only true issue we ever had with "J" was his huge fear of water and the food/sensory issues. We were told that "J" had almost drowned as an infant and he had a deep fear of anything involving water. Even up to last year, I could not put him in the shower or shampoo his hair without him going into a screaming, crying episode where he really just zoned out and did not recognize me. I cannot tell you how many times I have sat by the tub in tears rocking this wet and naked boy in a towel and sobbing away with him because I wanted to heal whatever was going on with him. It literally broke my heart to witness this. He has since moved passed this and loves to swim now. He is a wonderful swimmer and those that knew him before cannot even believe he just dives in. But I have never forgotten how horrible it was to just give him a simple bath. I would sit down by the bathtub and just sob along with him. I would be so sad for him and angry ( in a way) that he had been put through that. My heart just broke for him and I felt like a horrible mother because I had no clue how to get through his fear and gain his trust.

My oldest son has strong feelings and emotions about Ukraine. He remembers a certain caregiver there that was mean to him, although he cannot elaborate exactly how mean or what she did. He will get emotional and frustrated just looking at a photo of her. I should mention there were many photos of caregivers but this one in particular is a trigger for him and she is the only one he refuses to look at. He remembers being hungry and he remembers being lonely. He remember us leaving him at the orphanage and crying himself to sleep. He remembers banging on the window as we had to walk away and thinking we would never come back for him. I should mention that "C" is not an easy child. He definitely can be mischievous and a little deviant, two of the characteristics that obviously don't work well in an orphanage setting. We discovered this on the first day we met him. He had made this tower out of blocks which apparently he was not used to playing with, but he got so frustrated when the tower kept falling over. We watched as he picked up a block walked over to the other children and hand them a block with this big grin on his face. At first I thought it was sweet that he was sharing with his buddies, but I soon saw a pattern. The children were not allowed to play with toys during TV time and quite obviously my young son was trying to push the caregivers' buttons. They were not saying anything to him when he was trying to get his friends up and playing, but the looks on their faces showed how angry they were at his antics. "C" was one of the older kids in the group and he was one of the "caregivers" to his younger buddies. He had issues in the beginning of trusting us to take care of him and his younger brother. He would try to change his younger brother's diapers even when he was still in them himself. He would feed his brother and would make sure anything he received his brother or friends received too. He is still very much this way. We truly had to teach him to be a little boy because he always seems more concerned about adult problems and still does.

"C" has a huge temper. I am not talking just tantrums, I am talking about rages. Little things could set him off and it would get so bad that we would have to do holding therapy on him just to prevent him from hurting himself. During these early times of being home, he would usually rant away in Russian. We could pick up a word here or there, but nothing that made any type of sense. He would go into a trance in these rages and it was hard to get him to even recognize you. Now the rage is almost gone, but he still struggles at times. He is very critical of himself. He wants to be the best at everything and is crushed when this does not happen. He has went to a therapist and it is amazing how much comes out of him during these sessions. She has told me that there are things in his past that he will not tell me because he doesn't want me to be sad and he is trying to protect me. The most recent thing happened during a visit with my family. My husband was playing and wrestling with my sons and their cousins. Their cousins were beating on my husband's back in play and "C" went hysterical. My husband thought he was just jealous of the other kids playing with his daddy, but I saw more into it. There was a frantic fear within him. He told the therapist he really thought his daddy was being hurt. He admitted that when he was in the orphanage that he would lay over other children if they were being beaten and if you could have seen the scene with his cousins that is exactly the description I would use to explain how he was attempting to cover his daddy's back.


I know from time to time I will come back to this topic. I guess my main point would be that when we were new adoptive parents we were not prepared for so many things. Sure we stressed about the bonding issues, but I never worried about the simple things that grew bigger like the eating and sensory issues. I guess that will be another post.

As my World Turns

I have two friends, very close friends, that had their marriages end in the last two years. One couple didn't surprise me really since they seemed to live different lives anyway, but the other couple absolutely floored me. Friend number one had her husband literally dump papers on her the day he retired, how nice? There was no warning, no fights, just I am retiring and I am out of here. Considering they had a 5 year old son with special needs didn't seem to factor in to his new life he obviously had planned out until this year. I guess the point to this would be to tell this little story. My friend was offered by another friend to go to the Bahamas for a long weekend for free and my friend went of course. They had a blast!

Now friend number two calls me last night and tells me that another friend of ours was taking her daughter to the Bahamas, but the daughter couldn't go due to some work issues. So friend number two was offered a week long trip to the Bahamas for free. I am thrilled for her because she has been in such a major depression lately. She could use the time off and just have fun.

I told my husband what was going on with my friend and he just told me I must need to find better friends to get a free trip to the Bahamas. He thought he was being funny so I just had to one up him. I just mentioned that no, I didn't need better friends, apparently I just needed to get rid of him since that seemed to be the trend. Of course he was not amused but I sure got a good laugh out of it.

So for my dear friend that is getting ready to jet out of here, I hope you have the best time! Get massages, drink by the ocean, and flirt with the pool boys! You deserve it girl!

My ticker........no, not my heart

I had to laugh seeing my ticker at the bottom of the page. The first one with the little baby ladybug deal that is heading off the screen now. She once gave an idea to how long the wait would be, but now she is like an old Buick with the speedometer turning over the 200,000 mark. There is an old joke that if you drive a car long enough and the speedometer or mileage doo hickey thingy (Yep, my technical term there) would show over 200,000 miles that magically your mileage would return to zero and presto change o....you would have a brand new car. Apparently, this ticker thingy operates the same way, it gave me a new referral date. Good grief, I will really flip if that thing turns out to be accurate.

Okay, enjoy the tail end of the baby's bottom on my ticker.....it doesn't take much to humor me these days. I think that is one of the first signs of insanity, everything seems funny even when it is not.

One of my graduates (Mommy brag ahead, proceed with caution)

Okay first of all, I am not sure how many of my dear readers remembering my long ago post about my oldest son "C" and his constant issues at school. He drove his poor teacher nuts and I found myself apologizing more times than I could count. I honestly felt he was going to get kicked out of school, and in private schools around here that is not out of the question even in preschool and/or kindergarten. After the first few rocky months, my dear son started to buckle down and mellow out.

Last week was his kindergarten graduation. I was scared to death just trying to imagine the stunts and antics he would pull during the graduation ceremony. Okay, I admit, he was still the class clown. His personality really shined through and the people behind us thought he was a little hoot.

After the laughter settled down, I honestly started to look at this boy on stage. This child that came from across the ocean, that never heard English until he was a year and a half old, this child that had the biggest grin on his face staring at me. How did I get so lucky to become his mom?

As I looked at my son on stage, I couldn't help but think about how far he has come in his short life. I am simply amazed by his ability to deal with things and what a special child he truly has become. I remember his medical reports in Ukraine and how the orphanage director and our translator told us we would be wise to not take him home since he had issues and medical concerns. We were told he had fetal alcohol issues and would never be bright. As I sat there and looked at this boy, my beloved son, I am amazed at how well-rounded little guy he is and how I wish I could show these same people that my little boy has made honor roll in kindergarten. Okay, I know it is just kindergarten and not college but for him to learn to read this year and do mathematical problems is something I thought he would really have to struggle with. He has shown that his mind and heart has brought him through a really sad beginning in life but yet he has overcome and found peace. I know there is no banner over his head to even let a room full of strangers understand that the very sight of "C" standing there and being centerstage is a miracle. I know a parent can have pride in their children's accomplishments, but I find myself most proud of the life my son has survived through. I don't mean to sound so dramatic. I really don't. I know some families never get to go to the orphanages where their children lived and a part of me thinks that might be a good thing. On the other hand, I would never have given up that opportunity to see the place for myself and to try to understand the bigger reality and what these children have already survived through. I wonder if I will always see that little boy from Ukraine when I look at my oldest son. Maybe it is because he was older and has such strong memories and feelings about it that it is hard to not remember that small child that clung to me that first day over 4 years ago. I don't seem to have those thoughts about my youngest, mainly because he doesn't seem to remember things and he was very loved and spoiled at the orphanage. "C" was trouble and the caregivers seemed relieved to see him go, so maybe a part of me became even more protective over "C".


So today I celebrate my son's accomplishment, it is far more than a cap and gown and a diploma.....he is my hero. He fought a war and survived. He kept a loving heart and strong will through some dark days and I will never forget that.

I love you "C" and I feel so honored to be your mommy. Your laughter makes my heart rejoice and your smile brightens my days.

Congratulation to my little graduate!