Another flashback.....a big FAT negative test!

Well after trying to convince myself I wouldn't get my hopes up this month, that I refuse to get excited, I failed tremendously. I had no idea I had allowed myself to be whipped into such a frenzy about this month's referral, but apparently my head is rational, but my heart......well it has always been something to follow and something that I find myself believing things that may not happen. I have always followed my heart, but this morning I wish I had just been more stubborn and listened to my head about getting my hopes up.

So after the last post, I guess I will put the old NEGATIVE EPT test in the trash and walk away until next time. I am proud of myself though, I have not been back to the CCAA site since I read the Sept. 8th update. I refuse to torture myself looking at that date.

I am so very happy for all those that will see their precious children soon. I know the wait has been horrible and today your dreams have come true. For this dreamer, it is time to buck up and just face reality.....yet another month without seeing my sweet baby girl's face.

EPT Flashbacks

During all my years with infertility, I had a love/hate relationship with home pregnancy tests. I cannot even tell you how many I purchased over the years.

Today as I checked my favorite blogs and of course the CCAA site for my daily, (okay, who am I kidding here? my atleast every fifteen minute) fix of the right side of the CCAA page...I thought wow, I have been on this path before. I know, not technically waiting for some news from the CCAA, but in some strange cosmic way, waiting for something wonderful to happen. I thought of those little sticks that are almost impossible to read or pee on. Again, who am I kidding? I never peed on one, quite frankly, I am not that graceful to pee on that stupid little stick. Even then my husband would laugh because I am horrible about following directions. I kind of go by the seat of my pants deal. So I would take the test and then read the directions and hope I got the thing right. I am really fun at reading roap maps too, but, well that is another topic and we won't go there.....yet.

So why would waiting for the CCAA page to change compare to those old EPT test of many moons ago? Well, you know how you would actually have your hopes up and do one of those darn stick test. It became almost a ritual after so many of them. You had to do it at a certain time, had to entertain yourself while waiting for a change (the entire time praying, chanting, meditating for good news) and wait, and wait, and wait. You would then slowly go check out the stick and of course rarely could you see something right away so you had to squint at it. Then you would have to get some better light to see if there is any trace of anything. Even when I was fortunate enough to have a positive test, I would have to keep going back and looking at the stupid stick. When it was the negative times and I would get frustrated, I would throw it in the trash, only to go back fifteen minutes later to see if there had been maybe some oversight on my part. Good grief people, those tests were torture for this old infertile chick.

Now instead of looking at a stupid stick, I am wearing out my computer by checking out the CCAA site every fifteen minutes. I sit and wonder when and what they will actually update. I wonder if I am lucky enough to make the cut off, will I not believe it and have to stare at the screen for hours trying to convince myself it is a "positive" test? Or if I do not make the cut off, will I just cut off the computer, like throwing the negative stick in the trash, and go back to the computer every minute to see if perhaps I misread something or if maybe by some freak event the CCAA changed my test to positive?

Here is to all of us September people finding those positive test soon!