Your Journey Home

Just another day being the adopted kid...uggh!

2008-10-27T13:36:00.003-04:00

This is a topic that I have written about before. I know it might not be a popular one, but it is another side of the coin concerning adoption.

My oldest son, C, pretty much turned his back on his homeland. He is not proud of where he comes from, refuses to discuss it, and has stated he will lie if ask where he comes from. Now, before anyone states I must be some sort of horrible monster that made my child feel this strongly against the place he was born, you totally have it wrong. I have taken my son to counselors to try and turn him around on this topic. I finally had one doctor tell me that I would never convince my son that his homeland is wonderful when he has such vivid and strong memories of where he came from. My son bases the whole country on his experiences in the orphanage. He doesn't see the cultural/heritage aspect of it all. He relates to what he remembers and he hates it. He will not look at photographs we took and as far as he is concerns, he is American. I didn't twist that thought into him. I watched this tiny little boy reject his caregivers after two days of visiting him. He rejected the only family he ever knew to be with us. I saw this scene play out for a week. He no longer clinged to his caregivers. He would cry at the window when we left, he would wait by the window each day for us to visit. In his little mind, he saw options, he saw what he perceived as something better. I hope and pray that one day he will open his heart just a crack so we can encourage him to explore his heritage more and not just associate Ukraine with his orphanage. But for now, I accept his wishes because I realize he had no voice back then....now he does.

My youngest son loves Ukraine and he enjoys telling everyone where he is from. He is proud of his heritage. Both boys were in the same orphanage. Both had different experiences. My youngest was held and cuddled often in the orphanage. He was one of the favorites. My older son was a child that would go against the grain, he still does. Therefore, the caregivers found my youngest son to be more pleasant and easier to deal with. My older son was more of the rebel and would get into mischief.

My oldest son came home from school the other day very angry and upset. When questioned he told me that on the front door of the school's office, they had put up a world map with the caption, "Guess where we are from" with about a handful of kids on it. Of course my sons' photo was up there and "C" was extremely upset by it.
First of all, I went into the whole speech about how he should be proud of where he comes from....which gets me no where fast. He actually repeats back my own words to me, which has been... it is his story to tell, not mine, not anyone else's. And the famous words, once you tell, you cannot untell. Of course he picks now to actually listen to something I have told him.

So before the open house at school, I went into the office to discuss this map. I was not mad, well not at first. I mainly just didn't want my son to be upset. I explained the situation and felt I was getting my point acrossed when the office manager stated, from the other side of the room I might add, that she didn't know what the big deal was about. Okay, I saw red then! First of all, it is a huge invasion of privacy for them to post that information for the entire school to see without my permission or especially without my child's permission. The mama bear came out of me because I asked her why isn't any other private information posted on the walls of the school, like for example if any children have divorced parents, or if any child was a foster child? She just starred at me and stated, well that is personal information. What??@?!??!? I informed her that not every adopted child wants to share that information. Some prefer it to be private, which is their right. I know in a million years this woman would never get it, but at least I got my son's picture down off the office door. Uggh!!!!! My other son could care less and it never bothered him.

Now my husband thought I may be a tad over the top with this, he can bite me. After seeing this woman's reaction, I am glad I went off on her a little. I also don't think my husband has figured out why it bothers one son and not the other. Well, duh, they are different kids and they experienced different things. I personally hated two things about being adopted, one was going to the doctor's office and having to fill out medical history forms and the other one was having to deal with school stuff that dealt with baby pictures and family history. I had one person state well you just use your adoptive family for school stuff. Well yeah, but deep down inside I always felt torn by those events. I used my adoptive family's information because it was mine, but a part of me always felt like I was telling a lie too by not mentioning being adopted. I also felt being adopted was my story to share and not anyone else's. When I was growing up, I didn't know a soul that was adopted. When my children were young, they thought everyone was adopted because we had a huge group of adoptive families for friends.

Anywho, I may have lost a clear perspective on the whole posting the "adopted" kids photos on the wall, but you know I am not sorry I made them take it down.

I wonder how our daughter will feel as she gets older. We do more things around Chinese groups and special holidays, but for now she shows little interest. She loves the other kids, but wow, she definitely does not like the Moon Goddess chick! I guess we will see.

Our new additions....

2008-10-19T11:39:00.004-04:00

After our 16 year old Lab passed away, our boys begged and pleaded for a new puppy. Mom being of insane mind and old body, thought two boys....two puppies. What was I thinking?

Time rolls on......

2008-10-07T21:31:00.006-04:00

Here are some recent photos. As you may have noticed, Baby S, has tons more hair now. Most of the time she is a happy little thing, but wow, I see that temper flare up now and then. Her favorite saying is, "I am two and I have an attitude!" Lord help me when she is a teenager. She already loves to roll her eyes and give mean looks. Uggh, I am sure some of those looks may come from my influence and especially the little hands on her hips thing....but I will never admit that. Well, I admit it while it is still a little cute. I am sure the same eye rolling and hands on the hips is not going to be so precious at age 15.
The lovely Moon Goddess was in her outfit for several hours in 97 degree heat. Of course you can tell my darling daughter was not thrilled for her picture to be taken with this lady or being out in the heat either.

Our prayers are with Bridge City, Texas

2008-09-29T14:29:00.005-04:00

My husband grew up in a small Texas town. His family still lives there and he has such fond memories of growing up, playing football, and just hanging out there. Now, those special places in his heart are changed forever. The house he grew up in, his grandparents' home, his favorite aunt's home, even the place his mother is buried has changed forever.

The media is not giving much attention to this town. There is not swarms of reporters down there or film crews. There are just the people trying to clean up and rebuild. Most are homeless with much of their possessions left outside by the curb. Our thoughts and prayers are with the people of Bridge City, Texas. May your strong spirit pick up the pieces and rebuild your lives.

I see this video, hear the stories and cannot help but think....what if? What if it were my home, my neighbors, my community trying to build again from the mud and water? Just a very humble thought to have when we stress about little things in life.

I am such a Nerd

2007-08-14T16:07:00.000-04:00

With school right around the corner, I can't help but be excited. I swear I am worse than my children are about school supplies. Shopping for my class is the highlight of the summer for me. I love decorating my classroom and coming up with new ideas.

I love the mad dash for pencils, papers, crayons, glue, and the list goes on and on. I do have a shoe obsession too but right now, the school supplies are so addictive to me.

I love the smell of freshly sharpened pencils and all the bright colors.

Okay, I am a total nerd!

Another BAD Headline for International Adoption

2007-08-14T15:47:00.000-04:00

Apparently there has been a raid into an adoption home in Guatemala against a couple there. The American man and his Guatemalan wife have brought interest on themselves for all the foreigners seen leaving with babies.

First of all, I have no idea if this story is true. I am not one to just bite the hook and take the whole thing, hook, line and sinker. I am sure there is truth in the media's story, but how much is not accurate?

Of course it places, once again, a black cloud over adoption. I am totally with upfront and honest adoptions. I hate to even think about some of the more shady deals that do happen. I think about the birth parents, including my own, that was tricked or promised things that ended up not coming to be. I am not speaking of financial gains either just promises about placement.

I witnessed some shady dealings during my sons' adoption. I refused to play the game and tried to be as respectful as I could be without putting my personal beliefs in jeopardy. My husband, for lack of a better phrase, was much more forceful and vocal about some issues that came up. We wanted children with every fiber of our being, but at what cost? Could I do something that was underhanded or went against my beliefs? I don't know. I truly don't know how to answer that. I know I faced it once and informed the "Powers that Be" that I couldn't play with children's lives like that. I saw the "Bait and Switch" game happen in front of my eyes and I was truly saddened by it. I am not saying this happens everywhere, it was just my personal experience. I felt like I was gambling a lot during our first adoption. I know there are so many families that have no idea what happens behind the scenes in the adoption world. We hope and try to have faith that things are being taking care of in an honest and respectful way, but most of the time we are kept in the dark about such matters. Sure, I am certain there are a few that know exactly what may be going on and just want a baby no matter what; however, I don't believe that is the norm for most families.

I guess my thoughts are with the parents that adopted from this couple and their children. I cannot imagine the inner turmoil they must be going through right now. I also think about the possible birthfamilies that may not have had any choices or knowledge of what was going on. It is stirring a big pot to think about this because of course, all Guatemalan adoptions will be put in the limelight again.

It is just sad when an event like this can cause a rippling effect and so many others have to suffer because of it.

Culture/Heritage views

2007-07-09T00:01:00.000-04:00

The topic always seems to surface whenever adoptive parents get together, how much of their birth culture/heritage will you give/expose your child to? I know it is never a cut and dry answer. It never seems to be a black and white answer, but more shades of grey. I have pondered this question many times. I want my children to love their heritage because in my eyes, it will always be a part of them. On the other hand, do I shove it down their throats like an overstuffed burrito? Okay, I know a food analogy is never good, but you get my point. As small children, we make the choices for them and it is difficult to know when it may be too little or too much.

I have met parents that have made their homes somewhat of a shrine to their child's homeland. I think it is beautiful, but just not something I desire to do. I also have met parents that are the complete opposite. They seemed determined to forget their child's background and consider them nothing but full-blooded Americans. I guess I fall in between the two.

I have many keepsakes from my children's homeland. I have some displayed and some are stored away. Our family does and will celebrate holidays from the different homelands, not all, but the major ones. We are a multi-cultural family and I am extremely proud of that. I keep some traditions from my birth mom as well as my own mom's culture. It isn't always easy, but it works for our family.

I have heard some parents say they wouldn't do this or that, and that is their personal decision. I just feel like the children in the beginning have no choices, we make them. I want my sons and my daughter to be proud of where they came from. I want them to be able to explore their culture when they are older if that is their wish. I would love to be part of that journey with them. But how do children explore their culture if they are never exposed to it at an early age? If they don't grow up knowing, wouldn't it be strange to them to be exposed to it, let's say as a teenager?

After talking to a few parents that are on the extreme ends of the spectrum with this topic, I have come to my own personal conclusions. I am somewhere on middle ground. I want my children to be exposed to their own culture without having it pushed upon them. I want them to grow to love their heritage as much as I do. I want them to know that they are not labeled this or that, but are a beautiful blend of cultures. Certainly, there will be times when the lines blur and it is hard to recognize what is too little or too much, but the middle ground seems to be a good starting off point.

My Beach Babies

2007-06-28T01:25:00.000-04:00

I have lived near the ocean most of my life. As a teenager I would love to just bake in the sun for hours and have fun nights at the beach. As I got older and hopefully wiser, I stopped the sun baking stuff and just enjoy the tranquil moments at the beach. It has been a special place for myself as well as my husband.

When we were first dating, we would spend many romantic nights at the beach. There is just something about the cool night air and the gentle waves crashing to the shore. It is almost hypnotic. We shared plans and dreams there, we also grieved there. When we lost our precious babies, we would go to the sea and try to find some sort of peace or answers there. Most of the time the answers never came, but the ocean just soothes me in some strange way.

During this adoption journey, I made many trips to the ocean. I would think about my daughter, I would grieve for the time we were forced to be apart, I would try to find some comfort in the wait. During this adoption journey, we had some difficulties that threatened to stop this adoption. Right up until a month or so prior to referral, I honestly thought we would have to walk away from it all. I was heartbroken beyond belief. Thankfully, we went forward with the adoption and have never looked back since.

So I cannot even express to you how precious these pics are of my sweet daughter, my whole family, walking on this beach. I feel like things have come full circle now. My daughter is walking on the same sand, the very beach where I held so tightly to the dream of her. She is here! She makes tiny footprints in the sand. She smiles in the sunshine and loves the ocean air. She giggles at the waves and loves the sand between her toes. I cannot believe that my little beach baby is finally here.

Some updated pics

2007-06-06T10:33:00.000-04:00

Some updated pics...and why exactly does she smile after I take the picture. She seems more interested in the camera than smiling. I am reminded of that old cartoon with the singing frog ( I know showing my age here) that immediately stops singing when he has an audience. Ugggh! I forgot about the joys of trying to get a toddler to smile.

Tragic events at VA Tech

2007-04-19T13:14:00.000-04:00

I think the recent events at VA Tech has touched so many lives. As the horror unfolded and we heard about individual stories, it all brought back another place and time not so long ago to me.

There is a small church school right down the street from where I live now. Back in 1988, I worked across the street from this school and remember the events of one December day. There was a young man, not quite 16 years old, that brought a Mac-11 into that school and opened fired. He took the life of one teacher, shot a few more and then went after a class filled with children huddled in the corner of the room. Luckily he was taken down by another teacher. As this sad story unfolded, there were reports of this young man being bullied and tormented in this school. I will never forget the sights and sounds of that day. It lingers with me as the VA Tech story will.

My heart goes out to the victims and their families at VA Tech. I know several students there, one that was actually on the floor where the shooting had taken place. It is hard to understand the motive or reasoning when such a tragic event happens. Of course there just is no reasoning to such a tormented person who has lost touch with reality.

On another note here, I received a phone call from an old friend that I haven't heard from but once since my return from China. Her only comment was that she hoped the insane Asian kid that had killed all those people wasn't adopted. Uggh, my only comment was well you know all adopted people are insane and on the edge of snapping at any minute. I should say my tone was rather, well sarcastic as hell. This friend knows that all three of my children are adopted and most importantly of all, that I, myself, am adopted. I am sorry, but you know most adopted kids don't grow up feeling inferior or turn into some evil mass murderer.

I know I am a bit defensive and hypersensitive to this topic, but you can bet, if this young man at VA Tech had been adopted, the media would has chimed in on that fact and never let go. I guess my point is they would never say he is a bio kid with problems, but yet if he was an adopted child, that would have been the main focus and reason for his insane act.

Our adjustment

2007-04-08T22:26:00.000-04:00

I am going to attempt to update this blog during spring break. I can't wait until I have an entire week off to just stay home with the kids and have fun. I went back to work and the adjustment has been a little rocky for baby S. She loves the kids at the school, especially two of the kids in my class. They adore her and she just lights up when she sees them. The director that is taking care of S when I am teaching is trying so hard to win her over. Sometimes I think if a person doesn't try too hard, Baby S warms up more quickly. Lately the director has been bringing her into my class during breaks and free time for the kids and letting her have fun with my class. S enjoys that a lot.

On the weekends I enjoy the slower pace and enjoy just staring at S. She has a quick smile and is so adventurous. She is crawling and taking up to 12 steps now. She loves her brothers and they do whatever they can to make her laugh. She definitely has a temper and can get quite vocal when she dislikes something. We are still not doing great on the food issues yet, but we are working on it. Once we find something she likes, we stick with it and try to add something new every week.

She has definitely bonded with us but seems to be a daddy's girl. Mom is good for some things but dad is definitely her favorite toy.

We had some jealousy issues in the beginning, but for now it seems to have settled down a bit. My baby boy was having some jealous moments, but when he realized his sister adores him more than anyone else, he has gotten over that for the most part. Maybe Baby S knows who to play up to? C is definitely the protective one. We are working on that because he can be quite rude when others hold her. He even checks behind me to make sure I am doing things correctly. It is cute in one way, but so sad to me in another. I remember the tiny little boy from Ukraine that I first met. If I would feed him before his brother, he would take the food and hand it across the high chair to his brother first. He would even try to change his brother's diaper while he was still in diapers.

Okay, enough about that for now. Everyone is getting into a routine now and it feels like S has been here forever. She brings this incredible energy and light into our lives. I have seen her change my sons and my husband. I cannot accurately describe it, but this bright little one has brought a joy into our house that is overwhelming.

Of course I realize we are still in the honeymoon period, but for now, it has been smooth sailing. Hopefully the sea will not get rough and choppy anytime soon.

Some recent pics of my three babies

2007-04-03T15:06:00.000-04:00

I have to admit the dress was a bit much but heck, I only have one little girl and if I want to dress her like a giant pink cupcake....well I waited a long time for this moment. So say hello to my little stock brokers and my little Debby cupcake. I know I am not going to keep this girl in a hair bow and dress for long because she seems more interested in playing in the dirt with her brothers. I am going to have a tomboy on my hands, but hey, that's okay. I think she is perfect! What a difference a month makes!

One month ago

2007-03-29T00:58:00.000-04:00

Okay, technically a little over one month ago, I was giving one of the most precious gifts I have ever known....my sweet girl. I know I need to transfer my travel log to this blog but well, life kind of took over. Getting back into routine with three children and going back to work is tough, but I think we are getting over the hump at this point.

After a few emails, I decided to try and atleast post some pics.

I'm leaving on a jet plane............

2007-02-01T15:25:00.000-05:00

Good grief is that an old song or what? Sorry my mind seems to be filled with senseless songs these days, of course, it doesn't help when you work in a school and have cute little four year olds singing to you all day long. I could be singing the Barney song, so I can settle for this one.

We will be in the air, hopefully in the air, on Feb. 23rd! Of course the stressful thing is our boys' passports are totally screwed up. Yes, we tried to get them early, we expedited everything, but now things are just not looking good. I even had to get our Senator and Governor involved. Geez, can we say I live for the drama or what? Uggh! We need the passports back by the 8th, so I am hoping they arrive soon. It is a total mess with citizenship and readoption papers, just very frustrating.

Anywho, the tribe will be on a plane soon. My class is incredibly sad and some of the kids actually think I am not coming back to school. My heart breaks for them and I know I am going to be so sad to leave them.

The good news is my baby girl is coming home.

TA is here!

2007-01-28T21:58:00.000-05:00

I know I am probably going to be kicked out of blogville and all my peeps have given up on me ever updated this blog. I am sorry gang. Life is crazy around here and I swear I haven't had a free moment to do anything. I know, that is no excuse. It is lame, so I will just leave it as an apology.

The big news is our TA arrived earlier than expected. Who knew any news from China came in a speedy manner? Wow! We should find out next week when we will be traveling.

On to the next part of the puzzle here. I am in a strange mood, almost zen like state. I am not freaking out...well not yet at least. I am so calm and at peace right now. This little girl's face has just instantly placed a calmness within her mother's heart. One of my friends is totally freaked out that I am not completely packed yet and that I don't have my luggage by the door. I guess in comparison, China adoption is a different experience for me. I waited 16 months, all in all, to adopt my sons. I was a totally lunatic! I was given 4 days notice to travel, not weeks. Yep, you read that correctly, exactly 4 days! I know when we start making travel plans I will freak out more, but for now, this mom is just so calm.

The boys are getting very excited, although, they think it is much more of the same.....the waiting game. They buy stuff for their little sister all the time. They want to move their beds into her room to keep her company at night. They want to be there for her if she is afraid at night. They are so excited to actually see what adoption is really like through their own eyes. They want to witness what we went through to bring them home. Of course I had to explain to them that mom and dad didn't get to stay in nice hotels during our stay in Ukraine. They do love the pictures of the Sheraton Hotel in Warsaw, Poland where we had to go in order to obtain their Visas. I love watching this adoption through their eyes, it definitely mirrors my own feelings.

I hope for travel news soon! I cannot believe we are almost at the end of one journey to begin a new one with our precious peanut.

My little peanut!

2007-01-03T23:40:00.000-05:00

You know after waiting foooooorevvverrr for this child, you would think I would have been more prepared for the actual call, but nope. I guess I should be thankful that I wasn't in class with a herd of 4 year olds and fingerpaint when the call came in.

I want to thank my wonderful secret (well not so secret) pal Lisa and her wonderful children for holding my hand through cyberspace today while I waited. I actually printed out the artwork the kids did and posted it on the front door for dear husband to see. He loved it and had the biggest grin on his face. Thank you so much for hanging in there with me today and well through the past year. Your encouragement and support has meant so much to me.

I also want to thank my special friend K, because without her I would have never had the courage to adopt again.

Okay, Okay, this is sounding like an academy award speech here.....so here we go.....

Name: Xiu Fu Han
DOB: 4/4/06
SWI Xiushan
Chongquing Province

And believe it or not, she has the same description my oldest son had on his file....gulp, active and restless. Ummmm, should I be scared?

I was told the second photo looks like she was laughing, my husband's comment was it looked more like a gas bubble to him. Always the comedian, even when facing a woman on the edge. He is either really brave or really stupid.

Referral Time

2007-01-03T13:55:00.000-05:00

I am waiting for the "Call" and half thinking it still might not be my turn. I know totally crazy thinking with a 9/9 LID, but there is a little part of me that thinks something could go wrong.

I had this grand illusion of what this day would be like. Of course I imagined this day coming a year ago, without all the waiting in between. I imagine my husband and I sitting together waiting for the phone to ring, both taking the day off. I imagined the look of excitement on my sons' face at hearing the news about their little sister. I know this illusion is gone forever.

I sit here, my husband is at work, and my two sons are nervously waiting for any word on this mysterious sister that they have waited to play with for so long now. As I look at their faces, I see that they reflect my own inner feelings. It is just relief and boiled over emotions. So we three wait by the phone, waiting for even a slight hint we are actually going to have a referral today.

Happy New Year my baby girl!

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T12:09:00.000-05:00

I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year! I hope this next year brings you lots of good fortune and happiness.

And for my dearest daughter, we are still waiting to see your sweet face. We are so close and I often wonder if you can somehow feel it too. I have no idea why it has taken so long to bring you home. I just hope you know we wait for that wonderful day just to see you and hold you. Until then, my sweet girl, I hope that you can feel the love of this family across the sea and know that this incredible love waits for you.

Happy New Year!

Another flashback.....a big FAT negative test!

2006-11-30T13:06:00.000-05:00

Well after trying to convince myself I wouldn't get my hopes up this month, that I refuse to get excited, I failed tremendously. I had no idea I had allowed myself to be whipped into such a frenzy about this month's referral, but apparently my head is rational, but my heart......well it has always been something to follow and something that I find myself believing things that may not happen. I have always followed my heart, but this morning I wish I had just been more stubborn and listened to my head about getting my hopes up.

So after the last post, I guess I will put the old NEGATIVE EPT test in the trash and walk away until next time. I am proud of myself though, I have not been back to the CCAA site since I read the Sept. 8th update. I refuse to torture myself looking at that date.

I am so very happy for all those that will see their precious children soon. I know the wait has been horrible and today your dreams have come true. For this dreamer, it is time to buck up and just face reality.....yet another month without seeing my sweet baby girl's face.

EPT Flashbacks

2006-11-29T00:28:00.000-05:00

During all my years with infertility, I had a love/hate relationship with home pregnancy tests. I cannot even tell you how many I purchased over the years.

Today as I checked my favorite blogs and of course the CCAA site for my daily, (okay, who am I kidding here? my atleast every fifteen minute) fix of the right side of the CCAA page...I thought wow, I have been on this path before. I know, not technically waiting for some news from the CCAA, but in some strange cosmic way, waiting for something wonderful to happen. I thought of those little sticks that are almost impossible to read or pee on. Again, who am I kidding? I never peed on one, quite frankly, I am not that graceful to pee on that stupid little stick. Even then my husband would laugh because I am horrible about following directions. I kind of go by the seat of my pants deal. So I would take the test and then read the directions and hope I got the thing right. I am really fun at reading roap maps too, but, well that is another topic and we won't go there.....yet.

So why would waiting for the CCAA page to change compare to those old EPT test of many moons ago? Well, you know how you would actually have your hopes up and do one of those darn stick test. It became almost a ritual after so many of them. You had to do it at a certain time, had to entertain yourself while waiting for a change (the entire time praying, chanting, meditating for good news) and wait, and wait, and wait. You would then slowly go check out the stick and of course rarely could you see something right away so you had to squint at it. Then you would have to get some better light to see if there is any trace of anything. Even when I was fortunate enough to have a positive test, I would have to keep going back and looking at the stupid stick. When it was the negative times and I would get frustrated, I would throw it in the trash, only to go back fifteen minutes later to see if there had been maybe some oversight on my part. Good grief people, those tests were torture for this old infertile chick.

Now instead of looking at a stupid stick, I am wearing out my computer by checking out the CCAA site every fifteen minutes. I sit and wonder when and what they will actually update. I wonder if I am lucky enough to make the cut off, will I not believe it and have to stare at the screen for hours trying to convince myself it is a "positive" test? Or if I do not make the cut off, will I just cut off the computer, like throwing the negative stick in the trash, and go back to the computer every minute to see if perhaps I misread something or if maybe by some freak event the CCAA changed my test to positive?

Here is to all of us September people finding those positive test soon!

Just say No, or okay, a mild maybe?!?!?!

2006-10-04T07:26:00.000-04:00

I am certainly hoping that many people have this problem and not just me. For most mothers that I know, and yes, even some fathers, they always consider themselves low priority in regards to doing activities or making appointments for themselves. I am guilty! Okay, extremely guilty of this one and I hope to be better at it this coming year. Wow, did I just make a New Year's resolution months ahead of schedule? Hmmm, have to ponder that one for a bit.

Anywhoooo, I find myself packed with activities and events that have me racing around town dropping off and picking up things, animals and people. Oh Lord, have I now become one of those POD people? You know, ummmm, those soccer moms that well live and breath their lives on the soccer field talking about missed kicks or failed blocks and how expensive the pictures are this year? Oh good grief people, did I really sign up for this? I used to be so carefree, slept in late on Saturday mornings, watched sappy movies in the afternoon, but that was before "THEY" came.

There are moments in my life when I feel like my husband and I are in the World Wrestling Federation, (or whatever the heck they call that redneck macho slamfest deal on TV), and before I get flamed....I can say the R word because well, the majority of my family qualify under that description. :-) Please let me explain here, I feel like my husband and I are on these side by side trains going in opposite directions. I wave to him as the train takes off with one of my delightful sons as he waves back with the other delightful son heading off in another direction. We do manage to see each other at night after homework and reading to the kids.

As some of you may remember in one of my earlier post, my husband's idea of romance....well it died. We had a funeral, he sent flowers. It was a sad death and one that I miss. I know, it is hard to be Mr. Romance when you are running around in soccer gear with a little whistle around your neck and two fighting and screaming kids always hanging around. I now realize romance didn't die...it was murdered. Two five year olds with jelly on their hands, dirt under their fingernails, mud on their pants and a gleam in their eye murdered my husband's romantic spirit. Okay, I take some of the blame. I used to be more romantic. I used to be the expressive and creative one when it came to a little romance, but my energy level has been zapped right out of me. What in the world am I going to do with another little one racing around? Ummm, that thought scares me to death at times, although I know I will enjoy every minute with her.

I guess the point to this post, and God knows after this rambling, there should be some type of point. I guess the point would be to use the word "NO" when you need to as a parent, a spouse, and as a friend. I need to practice what I preach here. I try really hard not to take on too much, but well, I get cornered or feel guilty. Yep, I definitely must have issues going on. :-) I say yes and then go home and try to figure out how to cram something else into my schedule.

The latest incident was my dear social worker called to ask a favor. Okay, how would I ever be able to say no to her? She requested that I read a story about adoption to some children during an adoption celebration. Now that doesn't sound too bad since I read to children every day and love it. Of course she picked out the story and I am not exactly sure about this story. There are a limited amount of stories concerning Ukraine adoption designed for children. There are plenty for the other countries but not many for Ukraine. She specifically wanted an Ukrainian adoption story. I am not entirely certain this story is an Ukrainian story, even though she suggest it is an Eastern European adoptions story. So what's the big deal? Well, my sons know enough about their culture to realize that Russia was not exactly kind to Ukraine and therefore to group them with Russia is more of an insult to them. There is nothing against Russia at all, but for some Ukrainians those wounds go very deep. Fortunately, or unfortunately enough, my sons are involved with a local Ukrainian group and have been aware of the history between the two countries. Our family celebrates Ukrainian Independence Day because for one thing it is part of my sons' culture and number two, the country has not been free for that many years and the joy of their freedom still haunts me. I haven't told my sons the stories of Ukraine, the Ukraine that suffered so deeply, and lost 25,000 people a day for years due to the Genocide Famine. I have talked to people that have survived this event and how they felt to know that food was being guarded in their own backyards as they watched their family members die all the hands of Mother Russia. There was even a famous American writer then that wrote that the Ukrainians were just dying from malnutrition. Hmmm, I guess if you starve to death it could cause malnutrition? He even won an award for his stories about Ukraine which has been widely protested. Anyhoo, I will read this story to these children and hope that the story about a little boy that burps makes them smile.

I guess I should mention my sons can burp on command and have added that they will give sound effects if I need some help. Oh good grief, Calgon better take me away after this one.

My home study....part 2....the update.....UGGH!!!

2006-09-27T23:45:00.000-04:00

First of all, I don't do well with the home study deal. Perhaps it is because I had to do a grand total of 4 homestudy/update situations and I only have two kids folks, both adopted at the same time. I don't have anything to hide and feel like I am a fairly good person, but there was always something about the actual visit in the home that would freak me out. During the boys' adoption I was a total mess. I cleaned for weeks, behind every corner, every crack, and completely drove my husband nuts with my constant cleaning. I was so disappointed that our social worker didn't want to look in my closets! I was actually upset about that, after all I had arranged my clothes according to color and season, even my shoes. I was totally pathetic. I was also very intimidated by our social worker. Now don't get me wrong, she is the sweetest lady and clearly is on our side, but my worse fear was my adoption journey.....my dreams resting in her hands. What if she were some power hungry maniac that wanted to crush my dreams? I hear some of you laughing. It's okay, I laugh about it now, but back then....no way! I even told her about this feeling once during a meeting in which she requested me to speak about our adoption. A couple was asking me about the home study part and I told them the truth that "C", our social worker, scared me to death. "C" came up to me afterwards and apologized for making me feel that way, but I assured her that it was within me and absolutely nothing she had done or said. It is just hard to relax and be yourself when you know in some odd way a total stranger has some say about your future and your own child.

So today the same social worker came over to do our update. Yep, update! Uggh!! She had called and told us she was running late so I decided to calm my nerves and just catch up on some blog reading. HUGE MISTAKE!!!! I cruise on over to Journey to Mary's blog and find out her thrilling news. I started crying and couldn't stop. So here I sit staring at a computer screen with tears racing down my face and this huge smile and of course my dynamic duo shows up. They see me in tears and get upset. As I am trying to get the dog put up, dry my face, and get the kids calmed down, the doorbell rings. Lovely folks, just lovely! Before I got on the computer I had a few small things to straighten up, but after this event...well nothing got done and my dear social worker had a big chuckle about it all. My sons had their inflatable karate kicking bag in the middle of the floor along with light sabers and a billion Star War toys. The dog had decided to dig for treasure in his food bowl because certainly the dog food on the bottom of the bowl is different from the pieces sitting on the top. I went to dry my eyes and when I did I touch a tissue on the inside of my eye, immediately making it water, which made my mascara run and of course as I am cleaning that up off my face....I realize I have no make up on one eye. And I should add that my dear husband, well let's just say he was extremely talkative today and even my look wasn't getting through to him. He enjoyed pointing out to our social worker that I was giving him "The Look", ummmm, can we say I wanted to kill him at that moment? You would think after being married for 16 years that he would get that the look means to stop whatever the heck he is doing or saying at that moment. Okay, I know I am not his mother, but pllllleease for the love of God, I just wanted to get through this update with some dignity left. On top of this my oldest son comes out and shows our social worker his best Darth Vader impression including almost knocking her glasses off with his light saber. I immediately give him "The Look" and he giggles and stands there. Umm, hello people, did we not rehearse this?

My social worker is really a great person and she made many comments to assure me that everything was fine. I just have to laugh about it all now, but at the moment, hmmmm.....not a thing funny about it. I was mad at every single male in my house today, but so thrilled for a blogger buddy that had such wonderful news to share. Congratulations to Colleen and her family! I am so happy for you all.

The wait....

2006-08-25T00:20:00.000-04:00

I have really tried to take a break from blogging, well not so much a break from my fellow bloggers, but more just the rumor mill. Now don't get me wrong, I find myself towards the middle of the month getting the shakes, feeling my fingers search the keyboard to track down my favorite groups and blogs for just a hint of a rumor....but basically I tried not to stay glued to my keyboard day in and day out. I was turning into a pod person or something.

I checked out my agency's group and saw how excited some people were about the possible July 21st cut off date. Okay, I am happy for those that received their referrals. I know you have waited long enough, but I have to admit I was sick to see just 8 days worth of referrals if that is indeed the official cut off.

So I am at this same crossroad once again. Do I even try to humor myself and say well next month will be better? Do I lie to myself? Do I live in denial with some fantasy that the CCAA will actually do a whole months worth of referrals?

I know I am not that far away. I know, or at least I hope I am, on the downhill side of the referral wait. November or December doesn't sound that far away, but right now.....today......it sounds like an eternity.

I tell myself I have been down this road before. I tell myself I had to wait for 16 months for my sons, but the thought of waiting that long again.....well it is just depressing.

I see all the excited people with their recent LIDs so thrilled and I remember how that was once me almost a year ago. I am still thrilled about my future daughter, please don't misunderstand. I know people will say the wait is for a special reason. I know they mean well. I know sometimes it seems to work out that way, but right now, this mom just wants her baby girl home.

So for all the recent referrals, congratulations to the new families! I am so thrilled your wait has almost ended and I can't wait for you to have your precious little ones home. For those still waiting, all I can think to say is we are one day closer to the end of our own wait.

Hmmmm, should I even hope that next month brings better news from the CCAA?

Happy Independence Day Ukraine

2006-08-24T17:03:00.000-04:00

Today marks 15 years of freedom for Ukraine. Wow, only 15 years! Can one even imagine how this country was 25 years ago? It still seems lost between the past and the future ahead, but at least they have their freedom to celebrate. Of course their version of freedom seems so far away from what we have here in the US. Some of the old fear still lies within the people there, some have not forgotten the past, some never will.

But for this day, after years and generations of Ukrainians, you finally have your freedom.

Happy Independence Day!

An old post......one of those ones that you are not sure you want out there

2006-07-26T00:36:00.000-04:00

I am fairly certain I will get some nasty emails concerning this post. I have in the past, so I am sure there will be someone that I offend or upset with this particular topic. This is really not a debate, well, you could debate this but what would be the point? I am not trying to change anyone else's views just merely stating my own here.

Good grief I am rambling and I totally don't get why I feel the need to put some disclaimer on posts like this, but in some odd way, I guess I am a peace keeper in some regards. I don't like to rock the boat about little things. But when it is something close to my heart, well that boat is going to be a rocking. Wow, isn't it strange how a phrase will immediately put a stupid song in your head and you just can't get the tune out of your mind. It is after midnight and I am going to torture myself with Rock the boat, don't rock the boat baby. Uggh! Oppps, definitely showing my age on that song but hey I was a baby during the disco years, okay, maybe not quite a baby but definitely a babe in the woods.

On to my original train of thought,I got a little derailed but here we go. (no pun intended)

There is a certain celebrity, well older less famous celebrity that is an adoptive parent. This person truly irritates me to no end. The comments this individual makes truly makes me cringed. I guess I take those comments and think about what this individual's child must feel about being adopted. The person constantly will make references that if their adoptive child ever had the desire to search for their birth family that this person would take it in a negative way towards their parenting and not being good enough for their child. Wow, what a huge guilt trip that is for an adoptive child to have. No wonder so many adoptees do not search until they are much older in life. I completely understand the fear factor involved with adoptive parents, I have that at times. My mom definitely had that many times, but she never tried to keep things from me or make me feel guilty for wanting to know things most people take for granted.

I for one could not do an open adoption, nor do I wish I had been adopted when there was such a thing. I personally could see problems from that, not for every single case, but certainly a few. I have a dear friend that had a semi-open adoption and let's just say it was less than positive. I learned a great deal through witnessing that situation, and no, I am not saying I believe all cases are like that. For myself, personally, I would have felt torn in half if I had known my birth family at a young age. I have stated this before and I don't mean to repeat myself or to hurt anyone's feelings, but my birth family could never replace my parents. They never tried to do that, but it might have been different if I had known them at a very early age. I am not saying they could ever replace my parents, but with the normal teenage rebellion stuff, I can see two sets of parents becoming a problem and a child maybe playing one set against another much like kids do with two parents.

To me, it just is not so cut and dry. I see good in having the answers. I see good coming from knowing that part of your past, no matter how small it might be. The unknown is scary but it also has some mystery to it. Reality of a birth family and knowledge of that part of a person's history is not a personal threat to any adoptive parent. Sometimes the "fantasy" birth family seems so much better than the true reality of the people they actually may be.We adopt these wonderful children, gain their trust and confidence, we love them and guide them and somehow we feel when the time comes they are going to just bolt out the door to another set of parents that are perfect strangers to them? I would bet the stats on that happening would be very low. There is a period after an adoptee finds their birth family called the "honeymoon" period. I can tell you I have seen it happen time and time again when the adoptee is excited and thrilled to find out this history about themselves, to actually see a face that may resemble theirs, to know medical history, to know they have many likes and dislikes in common with someone.....but after the excitement dies down....what is there? Certainly there are a few adoptees that bond right away with their birth families. They feel like they were long lost children that had finally found their way back home and reconnected with their family ties. I can tell you from the ones that I have seen that take on this role, most of them had some sort of void within them. Could it have been simply because they were adopted? I have a friend that is now living with her birthmother and they are extremely close. They get along wonderfully, but her relationship with her adoptive mother has always been strained and tense. I just think she didn't have a good relationship with her adoptive mother because perhaps more to do with her personality than the actual relationship. I think this would have occurred even if she had been raised by her birth mother, again, I just think it is part of her personality. I know plenty of biological children that have a hard time getting along with their parents, why should it be any different with an adopted child? After all.....we are just children and come with the same issues and problems that other children grow up dealing with.

Back to the main focus of this post, why does this one semi-famous celebrity always play the adoption card? This individual never seems to mention his biological children but constantly will refer to the adopted child. I just don't get how this person can put this guilt on a child and state that this child is theirs like their bio children, but yet still keep referring to this child as an adopted child. Sure, this celebrity seems thrilled with this adopted child and very proud of the adoption, but doesn't there come a time in your life where the adoption is not the main focus and it is more about parenting and building that loving relationship with the child?

In my eyes, the word "adopted" is an adjective. If you do not refer to your biological child as my conceived child, why would you always have to say my adopted child? I totally get stating an adopted child if you know someone that perhaps is researching adoption, but to announce it to total strangers seems a bit attention seeking at times. I had one friend that any time someone would comment on her daughter being pretty, she would first remark that she was adopted. Now I am not sure if she just wanted to explain the child's different looks, but it always bothered me that her first reaction was to state that. Also people would immediately respond what a great person she was to adopt a child like that and her remark would be thank you. Uggh, I wanted to hurl! Certainly it takes special people to adopt, but by far, I think as an adoptive parent we get the better end of the deal and it is nothing to feel like we are doing something special concerning receiving the most wonderful blessing in our lives.

Clearly I have issues with this topic, I still remember the impact that the late George Burns' death had on me. Not so much his death, but just how the media handled his passing and how his son must have felt. After 70 some years of being George's son, he was still referred to as the adoptive son of George Burns. Okay after 70 years, could the man just be his son? Does the adjective have to be a part of it? I realize people are proud of adoption, rightfully so, but as an adopted child myself....when my mother died, I wanted to just be her daughter as I was all my life. Adopted is an adjective, not a dirty word, but it has little to do with the bond I had with my mother and had little to do with my life. Adoption described my journey to my family, not the final destination.

I truly hope this celebrity gets a clue and realizes that perhaps their son wants to be just known as their son instead of always be referred to as the adoption son.

Signed,
Mae's daughter, not adopted daughter, just her daughter
Who is now climbing down off her soap box to brace for the flames ahead. :-)

Daydreaming

2006-07-13T00:23:00.000-04:00

Last year I would have never thought I would say we have been waiting for our referral right now. I thought our daughter would already be home now splashing in the pool with her brothers or playing in the sand at the beach on a summer day. Some dreams are hard to let go of but we all did it, we all just hung on to the rumors and hoped for better days ahead.

Now we are at the 10 month mark and I am wondering how much longer will we have to wait. I know I am probably setting myself up for a big let down, but I keep thinking it might be 2 1/2 months away from seeing my daughter's face. Maybe, just maybe, that will be the case. I just can't imagine it dragging on for another 6 months. I think most of us would be totally insane at that point, I know I would be.

Anyway, those are my thoughts lately. Just when I start to let myself get all in a tizzy about rumors and referrals, my son decides to make my day. I know it is just a simple paper but today, it just lifted my spirits. As we wait in restaurants, doctor's offices, or any other place we have to wait, my sons often want to draw or write. I always keep a spare notepad and pen in my purse for such events. So while we are waiting for dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, my oldest son proceeds to draw this and gives it to me. My friend told me it looked like a girl bat, but to me it was just perfect. My son had drew a picture of me, okay, a picture of the way he sees me. He told me I was his angel and I loved to make things grow. I am a fairly good gardener and I do enjoy that, so part of the picture could be true. The angel part, well, that is a bit of a stretch, but hey, it's my kid and he can draw what he wants to. I hope he always thinks of me this way, but of course he could just be buttering me up for something. Momma ain't no fool! Regardless of the intentions, my son made me realize that I am a lucky person to already be blessed by two amazing sons and I can only hope and dream of being a mom to my sweet daughter.

Trials of an adoptive parent and the kids we love

2006-06-14T00:21:00.000-04:00

I have given some deep thought to posting this or not, mainly because I am still not totally comfortable with some of the emails I have been getting from someone locally. I know being in blogville gives the individual freedom to randomly select what he or she types or doesn't type. By nature I am not one that plays my cards close to the chest, so to speak. I tend to be fairly open and honest, although I don't just spill my guts out to everyone. I am more a middle of the road type of gal.

So my hesitation to post this is more in reflection of the individual that wishes to sit back and analyze my life, but yet has made no effort to expose themselves to me as a parent or a total fruit loop. I can deal with a curious person, I can deal with another parent, and well....I can even deal with a fruit loop at times, but please pick a side or a position.

Anywho, I wanted to do this post because it is a topic that has been coming up a lot recently between myself and another adoptive parent. It deals with how you can have two children basically raised to a certain age in an orphanage and how one child seems to struggle with issues surrounding those circumstances and how some children seem to walk away and appear to have little to no issues.

My friend has three adopted children. The two older ones were adopted together from the same orphanage and basically were the same age. The younger one seems to have many more problems and issues than her older sibling with the past and her environment.

My youngest son appears to have no memories of his homeland. He doesn't react to old photos, he doesn't seem to have any feelings about it one way or another. He was one of the orphanage favorites and in the bigger picture, he was treated a lot kinder than many of the rest of the children. The only true issue we ever had with "J" was his huge fear of water and the food/sensory issues. We were told that "J" had almost drowned as an infant and he had a deep fear of anything involving water. Even up to last year, I could not put him in the shower or shampoo his hair without him going into a screaming, crying episode where he really just zoned out and did not recognize me. I cannot tell you how many times I have sat by the tub in tears rocking this wet and naked boy in a towel and sobbing away with him because I wanted to heal whatever was going on with him. It literally broke my heart to witness this. He has since moved passed this and loves to swim now. He is a wonderful swimmer and those that knew him before cannot even believe he just dives in. But I have never forgotten how horrible it was to just give him a simple bath. I would sit down by the bathtub and just sob along with him. I would be so sad for him and angry ( in a way) that he had been put through that. My heart just broke for him and I felt like a horrible mother because I had no clue how to get through his fear and gain his trust.

My oldest son has strong feelings and emotions about Ukraine. He remembers a certain caregiver there that was mean to him, although he cannot elaborate exactly how mean or what she did. He will get emotional and frustrated just looking at a photo of her. I should mention there were many photos of caregivers but this one in particular is a trigger for him and she is the only one he refuses to look at. He remembers being hungry and he remembers being lonely. He remember us leaving him at the orphanage and crying himself to sleep. He remembers banging on the window as we had to walk away and thinking we would never come back for him. I should mention that "C" is not an easy child. He definitely can be mischievous and a little deviant, two of the characteristics that obviously don't work well in an orphanage setting. We discovered this on the first day we met him. He had made this tower out of blocks which apparently he was not used to playing with, but he got so frustrated when the tower kept falling over. We watched as he picked up a block walked over to the other children and hand them a block with this big grin on his face. At first I thought it was sweet that he was sharing with his buddies, but I soon saw a pattern. The children were not allowed to play with toys during TV time and quite obviously my young son was trying to push the caregivers' buttons. They were not saying anything to him when he was trying to get his friends up and playing, but the looks on their faces showed how angry they were at his antics. "C" was one of the older kids in the group and he was one of the "caregivers" to his younger buddies. He had issues in the beginning of trusting us to take care of him and his younger brother. He would try to change his younger brother's diapers even when he was still in them himself. He would feed his brother and would make sure anything he received his brother or friends received too. He is still very much this way. We truly had to teach him to be a little boy because he always seems more concerned about adult problems and still does.

"C" has a huge temper. I am not talking just tantrums, I am talking about rages. Little things could set him off and it would get so bad that we would have to do holding therapy on him just to prevent him from hurting himself. During these early times of being home, he would usually rant away in Russian. We could pick up a word here or there, but nothing that made any type of sense. He would go into a trance in these rages and it was hard to get him to even recognize you. Now the rage is almost gone, but he still struggles at times. He is very critical of himself. He wants to be the best at everything and is crushed when this does not happen. He has went to a therapist and it is amazing how much comes out of him during these sessions. She has told me that there are things in his past that he will not tell me because he doesn't want me to be sad and he is trying to protect me. The most recent thing happened during a visit with my family. My husband was playing and wrestling with my sons and their cousins. Their cousins were beating on my husband's back in play and "C" went hysterical. My husband thought he was just jealous of the other kids playing with his daddy, but I saw more into it. There was a frantic fear within him. He told the therapist he really thought his daddy was being hurt. He admitted that when he was in the orphanage that he would lay over other children if they were being beaten and if you could have seen the scene with his cousins that is exactly the description I would use to explain how he was attempting to cover his daddy's back.

I know from time to time I will come back to this topic. I guess my main point would be that when we were new adoptive parents we were not prepared for so many things. Sure we stressed about the bonding issues, but I never worried about the simple things that grew bigger like the eating and sensory issues. I guess that will be another post.

As my World Turns

2006-06-09T10:16:00.000-04:00

I have two friends, very close friends, that had their marriages end in the last two years. One couple didn't surprise me really since they seemed to live different lives anyway, but the other couple absolutely floored me. Friend number one had her husband literally dump papers on her the day he retired, how nice? There was no warning, no fights, just I am retiring and I am out of here. Considering they had a 5 year old son with special needs didn't seem to factor in to his new life he obviously had planned out until this year. I guess the point to this would be to tell this little story. My friend was offered by another friend to go to the Bahamas for a long weekend for free and my friend went of course. They had a blast!

Now friend number two calls me last night and tells me that another friend of ours was taking her daughter to the Bahamas, but the daughter couldn't go due to some work issues. So friend number two was offered a week long trip to the Bahamas for free. I am thrilled for her because she has been in such a major depression lately. She could use the time off and just have fun.

I told my husband what was going on with my friend and he just told me I must need to find better friends to get a free trip to the Bahamas. He thought he was being funny so I just had to one up him. I just mentioned that no, I didn't need better friends, apparently I just needed to get rid of him since that seemed to be the trend. Of course he was not amused but I sure got a good laugh out of it.

So for my dear friend that is getting ready to jet out of here, I hope you have the best time! Get massages, drink by the ocean, and flirt with the pool boys! You deserve it girl!

My ticker........no, not my heart

2006-06-06T16:16:00.000-04:00

I had to laugh seeing my ticker at the bottom of the page. The first one with the little baby ladybug deal that is heading off the screen now. She once gave an idea to how long the wait would be, but now she is like an old Buick with the speedometer turning over the 200,000 mark. There is an old joke that if you drive a car long enough and the speedometer or mileage doo hickey thingy (Yep, my technical term there) would show over 200,000 miles that magically your mileage would return to zero and presto change o....you would have a brand new car. Apparently, this ticker thingy operates the same way, it gave me a new referral date. Good grief, I will really flip if that thing turns out to be accurate.

Okay, enjoy the tail end of the baby's bottom on my ticker.....it doesn't take much to humor me these days. I think that is one of the first signs of insanity, everything seems funny even when it is not.

One of my graduates (Mommy brag ahead, proceed with caution)

2006-06-06T15:32:00.000-04:00

Okay first of all, I am not sure how many of my dear readers remembering my long ago post about my oldest son "C" and his constant issues at school. He drove his poor teacher nuts and I found myself apologizing more times than I could count. I honestly felt he was going to get kicked out of school, and in private schools around here that is not out of the question even in preschool and/or kindergarten. After the first few rocky months, my dear son started to buckle down and mellow out.

Last week was his kindergarten graduation. I was scared to death just trying to imagine the stunts and antics he would pull during the graduation ceremony. Okay, I admit, he was still the class clown. His personality really shined through and the people behind us thought he was a little hoot.

After the laughter settled down, I honestly started to look at this boy on stage. This child that came from across the ocean, that never heard English until he was a year and a half old, this child that had the biggest grin on his face staring at me. How did I get so lucky to become his mom?

As I looked at my son on stage, I couldn't help but think about how far he has come in his short life. I am simply amazed by his ability to deal with things and what a special child he truly has become. I remember his medical reports in Ukraine and how the orphanage director and our translator told us we would be wise to not take him home since he had issues and medical concerns. We were told he had fetal alcohol issues and would never be bright. As I sat there and looked at this boy, my beloved son, I am amazed at how well-rounded little guy he is and how I wish I could show these same people that my little boy has made honor roll in kindergarten. Okay, I know it is just kindergarten and not college but for him to learn to read this year and do mathematical problems is something I thought he would really have to struggle with. He has shown that his mind and heart has brought him through a really sad beginning in life but yet he has overcome and found peace. I know there is no banner over his head to even let a room full of strangers understand that the very sight of "C" standing there and being centerstage is a miracle. I know a parent can have pride in their children's accomplishments, but I find myself most proud of the life my son has survived through. I don't mean to sound so dramatic. I really don't. I know some families never get to go to the orphanages where their children lived and a part of me thinks that might be a good thing. On the other hand, I would never have given up that opportunity to see the place for myself and to try to understand the bigger reality and what these children have already survived through. I wonder if I will always see that little boy from Ukraine when I look at my oldest son. Maybe it is because he was older and has such strong memories and feelings about it that it is hard to not remember that small child that clung to me that first day over 4 years ago. I don't seem to have those thoughts about my youngest, mainly because he doesn't seem to remember things and he was very loved and spoiled at the orphanage. "C" was trouble and the caregivers seemed relieved to see him go, so maybe a part of me became even more protective over "C".

So today I celebrate my son's accomplishment, it is far more than a cap and gown and a diploma.....he is my hero. He fought a war and survived. He kept a loving heart and strong will through some dark days and I will never forget that.

I love you "C" and I feel so honored to be your mommy. Your laughter makes my heart rejoice and your smile brightens my days.

Congratulation to my little graduate!

Can I handle the truth?

2006-05-24T23:46:00.000-04:00

There is a rumor floating around that the CCAA will put forth some statement in a week or so concerning the wait. Now, I am dreading this with all my being, but another part of me just wants to know. I just want to have some ballpark idea of what we are actually facing in wait times. Most agencies seem to be sticking to the 10 to 12 month deal, but let's face it, that looks somewhat optimistic right now. I hope it doesn't go higher than that, but really does anyone know for certain?

Right now I would rather just hear the truth and deal with it, the good, the bad, the ugly. Knowledge is power, right? And please remind me after the statement from the CCAA (if there is even one coming since this is a rumor at this point) that I actually typed that I wanted to just know the truth either way. Okay, can I change my mind already? Maybe I want to keep my head in the sand and my ears plugged singing at the top of my lungs....la, la, la, la I am not listening, I can't hear you. Maybe I want to stay in my own little safe zone where I can actually believe every single month that the CCAA will shock us all and catch up a month or so of referrals. It is like being on a roller coaster every month. After referrals there is a little sadness and depression, followed by frustration, than throw in some acceptance and actually anticipation for the next round only to be thrown right back into the depression again. When does this ride end? I hope soon. I hope these wonderful children we have been carrying in our hearts for a year now with be with us soon.

I guess now we just wait for next month.......again.

Is it just me?

2006-05-21T11:44:00.000-04:00

Towards the end of the month I start feeling a lot of tension building up within me. I try to pretend it is not there but geez it is worse than PMS at times. I feel it and I can't deny it. I stay on the forums, lists, and blogs more than ever trying to pick up any hint of news and I proceed to make myself and everyone around me crazy.

Does everyone get like this or is it just me?

Come on CCAA surprise us with a big old batch of referrals this time, we are so ready for them!

Jump ship or sail the Titanic?

2006-05-18T14:51:00.000-04:00

I feel this dreaded sick feeling inside. It is almost like deja vu kind of thing. Here I sit, many of us actually, waiting and waiting for news that we have no idea when it may come. It is almost like being terminally pregnant.....when will it happen, will it ever happen?

First of all, I am in no way judging someone and their feelings about this long wait. In comparison, I haven't been waiting long. I am not really complaining (I know believe it or not) about the wait, but moreso just the lack of information. Fear comes from the unknown and right now referrals are unknown. We shouldn't fear this, I shouldn't fear this. I should believe that eventually it will be my turn as it will be yours and hers and his. I know my wait this time around has been different because I do have my sons that keep me busy. Of course that doesn't mean I don't want my daughter home and also there is a different element concerned when other children are involved. My sons have been waiting for their sister for over a year now. They have lost hope and at times seem to be angry at me for not doing more to bring her home. How do I explain it to them when I don't even understand the delay myself? As 5 year olds they look up to their parents to be able to fix anything and they don't understand why we can't just go pick their sister up, either do I.

On the other hand, I know what years and years of infertility and loss is like and then being so naive into believing that adoption would be a lot smoother as far as following a line to having a family. I was wrong, so wrong! Adoption seems to be just another roller coaster ride. I am not saying I expected adoption to be this easy wait and then on such and such day this child would be in my arms. I never expected that at all. The thing I did expect the first time around was some sort of time frame to having a family. With infertility it was a gamble, you roll the dice and took a shot (well more than just one shot) and you hoped that your lucky number would turn up. With adoption it seemed to be less uncertain aspects and eventually you would have a child to call your own....wow, was I naive!

I was all set on my first adoption plan, had my dossiers sitting all pretty in Romania one month away from referral and the country shut down. It didn't just happen overnight, it sort of happened like China is doing now. Fewer children being adopted, more families with dossiers and then of course the bad press and the embarassment of some of the media reports along with them trying to get into the European Union. Our agency kept saying wait and see, it would all blow over and things would be fine. We knew we were in trouble when the presidential election in Romania was going on. There was controversary, there was mudslinging and of course outside forces working on the negative impact of these orphanages. I won't even go into the big campaign to beg 20/20 and Barbara Walters not to do a report so close to a presidential election that would ultimately hurt the orphans. After this report came out, Romania shut down adoption immediately. We were next up for our referral. I don't blame anything or anyone, but wow, there was so much working against us at that point in time. We listened to our agency that assured us they would open up again. We waited because we felt our child was there. We waited months, nine to be exact, for Romania to open the doors to adoption again, but even now, they remain closed. Sure there is some foster care for these orphans and certainly they shut down some orphanages, but in order to shut down orphanages they had to send the children some place else. Where? Of course some went to foster care but many were just sent to orphanages that stayed open, which meant fewer orphanages but more children in the orphanages. Where is the press and media now? Does anyone care about these children now that the election is overwith and any rumors of adoptive parents abusing adopted children are gone? Are the children still sitting there waiting for parents that will never come? If I have one wish, I hope years from now 20/20 and Barbara Walters go into one of these orphanages and just see how things worked out. I know, I know, I sound bitter and well, I am. I am not on a selfish level here, but moreso because I know these children have been forgotten by so many but yet this mother's heart will always grieve for that Romanian child that I loved and still love all these years later.

The big thing now is people switching countries, going to SN waiting children, etc. I think that is a very individual decision and I applaud anyone that take action to have their family. Life is just too short to wait on red tape and politics. I am happy for all that make these leaps of faith. With Romania, I had no choice but to switch or I would still be waiting for my child to come home right now.

To the current situation, do I jump ship and move forward? Do I hang on and hope things get better? I just don't know. With the latest rumors, I am not sure what I think about everything. I could handle the year mark, I wouldn't like it but I have gradually accepted that and looked ahead. Now please don't tell me to wait and know the wait will be so worth it. I have no doubt that any child is worth every tear, all the frustration and the long wait. I see that in my sons' eyes every single day. I guess right now I am feeling a bit defeated. I am no spring chicken and I am feeling older every minute. The longer the wait goes the more time I have to digest thoughts, which is not always a good thing.

So for today, I am hanging on. I don't want to lose hope, but yet the light at the tunnel seems to be moving further away by the second no matter how fast I keep running.

I know I have said this before, GULP, but maybe things will change this month. Okay, I thought we all needed a big chuckle there to lighten the mood.

My own version of rumors

2006-05-14T13:17:00.000-04:00

Okay, I may not be into all the great data collecting as our dear Rumor Queen is, but hey, I can throw out and chew on a good rumor like everyone else.

Today being Mother's Day, I take control. Today I will not read the rumors of others but start one myself. I am woman, hear me roar! I predict that the next batch of referrals will be up to July 7th. I know, I know, it is way out there, but hey....it's Mother's Day and a girl can dream, can't she? Since a rumor's dream is to be a widespread statement not authenicated, then why can't we just have one good rumor on Mother's Day to chew on?

For the mothers out there that are waiting to hold your child for the first time, the ones that have carried the dream of their precious child within their hearts for all these months...even years....this Buds for you. Sorry, stuck in commercial land there, this rumor is for you!

I know the rumors will start flying and buzzing soon, but there, I typed my own. I send it out across my blog to land where it may. It is possible that it is only a dream rumor for one mom that wants her child home. But on this day especially, I realize that for this brief moment in time, we all share the same dream and hold the same rumor within our hearts. We want to hear it is our turn.

Currently in my life, rumors have been taking center stage. I take what I can from them and store them somewhere deep inside to chew on and grasp my thoughts around. But just for this moment, I want my own rumor. I want it to become reality.

I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. I want to click my heels together and have this rumor come true. I want each of us to be wearing Ruby slippers and clicking our heels together as we spin around only to open our eyes and see this child that our hearts long for safely in our arms. I want to see the photos of all the happy parents and those precious children. So today, I will let my heart soar with my own rumor. Next week I am sure I will come crashing down.

Happy Mother's Day!

Reality in My Parenting

2006-04-22T21:52:00.000-04:00

As difficult as it is to believe, I used to be this very uptight mother. In the beginning I was literally chasing behind my children with pillows and a diaper bag filled with everything under the sun. I was prepared. I had my act together. I left no stone unturned, had my ducks in a row, and my eggs in a basket. Of course about three months after coming home, my two sons gave me a crash course on reality parenting. It was sort of like one of those reality tv shows, well that is if you combined Survivor and Nanny 911 all wrapped up into the same show. There were many moments that I wish that a very British Mary Poppins type would stroll through my door and give me a clue to what I was doing wrong. Of course now I realize, parenting is not something you can follow a manuel or a road map through, but something that your heart guides you through to be the best parent you can be to the particular child you may have. I am never going to be some "1960's" sitcom mom sitting in the kitchen waiting for my children to arrive home from school with a plate of cookies and a cold glass of milk. That just ain't me! It sure is not my sons.
I am not the mother I thought I would be. It took me years to realize that I could never be the mother I had dreams of becoming. I have adapted to the children I was blessed with. They didn't need me to be "June Cleaver", they needed me. I had to regroup and become the mother they needed. It certainly wasn't my dream of how I imagined my life would be those first few months after my sons arrived home. There is no handbook for that. The adoption agency can't teach a class about it, they can't send out a brochure for it. Sometimes in life you have to wing it and hope you learn quickly enough to make a different.
In the beginning I thought I was so prepared. I was flat out wrong! I was prepared for the big stuff. I stressed about attachment disorder, bonding, fetal alcohol syndrome, and the list went on and on. The things that became huge issues for my family were not something I was really expecting. At least I never thought prior to adopting that these minor and small things would be such a trial for my sons and I. Life just has a way of twisting and turning at times.
First of all, I do not care what someone may say about children not remembering early memories in their life. I personally believe they might not remember specific things, but I do happen to believe they remember major events or a faint memory of it. My oldest son was 16 months old when we adopted him. My youngest was just a year old. My youngest has no memory of where he came from unless we tell him or remind him of a story. My oldest son has strong memories and feelings about where he came from and the life he led. He may not remember specific details about everything, but I can say he has strong memories of feelings and emotions over certain events.
All this is leading up to the fact that my children wouldn't allow me to be the mother I had wanted to be, but that's alright. I wasn't meant to be that mother anyway. I adapted and adjusted in those early months and years after the adoption just as my sons did. We did it together. They taught me as much as I taught them. We learned as we went along and adapted to one another's feelings and needs.
If I could go back in time and changed anything about the long wait to adopting my sons, I would have stressed less about the little things. I know now that these children, these wonderful adoptive kids, give you their own road maps. We, as their parents, just have to stay true to the course, follow the path that they need us to go down, and arrive at the destination knowing our children have the very mother that they needed and deserved all along.

I know some adoptive parents have adopted very easy going children that seem to glide through life with a smile on their face and a gentle spirit within them. I actually have one of these children myself. Of course I am very afraid of what the teenage years may be like with him since he is such an easy child right now. On the other hand, I know some parents that have adopted children that test the limits every second of the day, that seem to have some sort of wild spirit within them that would even make Mother Theresa clench her teeth. I have one of these children too. It is frustrating and difficult, but at times the things that seem to drive me batty is the things I am most thankful for within my oldest son. I know his spirit, his bull-headed determination is what helped him get through those struggles in his early life. I am so thankful for that wild spirit that went against the grain, that helped him face those early obstacles and sail through them.

It took me a little time to grieve over the image of the mom I thought I wanted to be, just as it took me a little time to grieve through infertility. The loss in both forms shapes you, molds you, and changes you forever. However, on the other side of the tunnel, I see the mother I have become, the mother my sons needed me to be, and that ain't so bad. In fact, I would not change a thing.

I'm here

2006-04-22T10:51:00.000-04:00

I having been missing in action in blogville lately. There have been several things going on with my family lately and honestly, I am not sure how those things will work out. No, my marriage is not in trouble. My children are fine. Life just throws you some curve balls every now and then and you have to take a swing at them and hope for the best. My husband would be so proud of my baseball analogy.

I actually considered moving my blog to a password protected site after a few, well, strange emails. They were not threatening in any way, but more or less, just sort of made me analyze how much information I have actually been putting out there, especially about my sons. I am sure I will find a middle ground somewhere, but right now I am just taking baby steps.

In my haste to find another blog site, I deleted most of my old posts.
Again, the bizarre emails really made me reconsider what I was actually posting on my blog, especially when one of the emails came from my local area. I am sure that most of you will understand my reasons for being cautious and protective.

With the life events going on within my family and the strange emails, I guess I ducked out on blogland for a bit.

For those that expressed concerned, thank you. I do appreciate your thoughts and good wishes.